It Shouldn't Be This Way: A Mother's Day Post

look at those tee-tiny little people!

This is a RePost I wrote a few years ago right around the time we went from a foster family to an adoptive family.  It's from an old personal blog I no longer keep up with, but was a comfort and journal of sorts to me when I was going through the process of fostering to adopt.  I hope this brings you comfort this mothers day if you are a mother on either side of this equation.  You are both loved and thought about today.

It Shouldn't Be This Way

As I listen to my children singing in the background- a three part tune where Disney Princess-like music meets Mongolian Monk-like Chanting- I am overcome with sadness at the reality of our situation.  It just shouldn’t be like this! 

I began my day by being deposed of sorts by one of the many lawyers involved in the upcoming trial for TPR (Termination of Parental Rights- to determine if our children will be legally free to adopt or go back with their parents).  It was grueling to say the least.  Why do I have to give 100 facts about how my children did not have a great start in life because of their mother and father?  What about the part where she did love them; and therefore, they knew how to be loved by us?  But if I say that part, will they make recommendations for our children going back into an arena of chaos and (unknowing) neglect?  Is this loving- speaking the truth in love or is it just trying to get what I think is best?  It shouldn’t be this way.

As I think about our childrens’ mother, I think about my oldest Baby Girl.  I see much of her biological mother in her, but there is a big difference.  My Baby Girl has been given much more structure, love, and chances to succeed as a healthy person than her momma was ever given.  If my Baby Girl goes back into that cycle, she would grow up and possibly chose the same life for herself that her momma did- get pregnant at 17 and end up having too many children too young with someone too unstable.   But that doesn’t make me want to fight against my childrens’ mother.  It just makes me sad that she is stuck- just like my Baby Girl would be if she went back to that life.  It shouldn’t be this way.

The kids' Disney-like chant singing has turned into more of a yell and they are now circling the couches.  David and I are reminded of the battle of Jericho when they do this.  We have 7 days until our family’s fate is decided, and sometimes I feel like I would love an occupation of marching around something and blowing a horn!  At least then I will be distracted from all of the things that feel so unfair about this whole process.

It shouldn’t be that our children are third generation orphan/ foster children.  It shouldn’t be that one mother is pitted against another one- when both have loved to the fullest of their capacities.  It shouldn’t be that a little girl is torn from her home at 3 years old and forced to be the parent of her younger siblings.  It shouldn’t be that no one ever loved the kids’ mama in a way that showed her the love of Christ.  Can I be that person- maybe?  But I have to keep boundaries, and think of my children at the same time.  What would that even look like?

We will press on.  We will raise our ebeneezer here at the final frontier of the promise land.  Yet we still don’t know if we will get to enter the land of being a forever family.  We have no promise of what is to be decided; just that He is with us no matter what.  And that by His help, love, and direction we have gotten this far.

Update: I can honestly say we have walked this out and the Lord has blessed me and my children's birth mother with an amazing relationship.  It is possible to have this kind of hard, messy, positive, live-giving friendship with her.