Tyranny of The Shoulds

It's a little pretty here, but an oh-so-ugly word!  I first heard this term in Grad School.  It's a term coined by Karen Horney, a psychiatrists from the early 20th century, and later developed by a dude named Albert Ellis, who used "should-ing" and other strong language around the topic.

The Tyranny of the Shoulds.  

These Shoulds can be fierce dictators, tyrannical voices ruling our thoughts and decisions, how we see and feel about ourselves.

As soon as I heard this, almost 5 years ago now, I decided I'm done with Should-ing....I will not use that word with myself or any other human.

And I actually stuck to it for a bit and didn't.  I also just replaced it with a bunch of need to/ must/ have to/ if I only/ if I just....It goes on and on from there.

Shoulds are sneaky that way.

Should is a powerful word.  It can be incredibly shaming and incredibly manipulative.  We use it when we want others to do what we want or what we think is best; we use it when we feel like we need to be better/ more worthy; we use it when we shame ourselves even!

In fact, I would argue that the Inner Should-ing is where it's at.  We love to tell ourselves all the things we should do to get happier, more healthy, be a better parent.

For me this means lying in bed at night and going over all the things I should do tomorrow to achieve all my dreams.  Or lying in bed going over the previous day and replaying how I could have handled several things better and what I should have done.

How many times a day do you say "I should have_____" or "If only I could____" or "I just need to_____" or "I've GOT to get better at_____"??

Sound familiar?  You say these things to yourself a lot.  I say them to Me a lot.  To give you an idea of a typical day inside my head, here is just a random example that would probably never happen ;)

• (Wake up, getting out of bed) I should be a better mom, more available to the kids.
• (1 hour into the day) I just need to learn how to listen better- this will help my kids know I love them.  I should sit and listen to each of them and their hopes and dreams.
• (5 minutes later) I've got to get better at time management, then I will have time to sit and listen to my kids.
• (later, after succeeding at 0 of my Shoulds) If I could just take a nap and check out for a while...then I will be better and then can be a better mom.
• (5 minutes post-nap) Ok, now I can be available to the kids, I'm gonna rock this...
• (5 minutes later) I should have been better at that mom thing; I freaking even had a nap!

I am should-ing/ must-ing/ if-only-ing all over myself.  And guess what?
The Should-ing prevents the desired outcome of the Should.

I'm so confident in this statement that I think it could be proven scientifically or through quantum mechanics or something!  It's so very true.  The more I live out of and give voice to my "Shoulds", the less and less I get done, the more cranky of a mother I become, the less energy I have to work, and the cycle continues and continues.

So here is my proposal:

Let's Call a Spade a Spade, or in this case, A Should a Should.  Let's speak these out loud to each other, lets catch our should-ing in the process!
My motto for me when I catch myself saying "I need to/have to/got to/ should_____" is this:  I do not have to do anything.  I am enough.  (I know you are thinking here, well you have to eat, breathe, feed the kids, blah blah, and yes, these things usually require doing.  However, I'm choosing to say I get to do these things that seem mandatory, like breathing, eating, and mothering.  And I get to do them from a place of fullness and enough-ness.  This perspective helps me.)

And here is what I want to say to you, dear friend:  You do not have to do anything.  You are OK exactly as you are.  You may not feel it or think it's true.  It is.  You are enough.  I recognize your enough-ness; I see it in you!!!

Are there things that will need doing?  Sure.  Do you have to do them from a place of Should-ing?  Absolutely not!  Why?  Because those shoulds do not come from you, dear friend.  Those shoulds come from a place that does not belong in our heads.  They are put there by some other person who is not us, or some other force that is not for us.

What would it look like to go through your day feeling no pressure or hidden shoulds, manipulations, or expectations (from yourself or others).  Can we even imagine a world like that?  I can, and I think it might be pretty spectacular!



If you are an oil-lover, guess what?  There is an oil for that(this!) too ;)  This resource has been a big help in my road to emotional wellness, and it suggests lemongrass right at the back of the head where I carry my stress.  I use this affirmation with it too: I am guided by (God/Flow/The Spirit).  For more info message me or visit here.

A Clean Home

If you have been following along, for a while, you know that I'm familiar with Sensory Issues...the kids and myself have them fo sho!  Here are the bottom line reasons why we have been working towards a Greener Home:

• According to the EPA, toxins are now higher inside the home than outside the home. (1)
• Kids (and grownups) with a trauma history tend to have a harder time lessening their toxic load (2); therefore, in a path towards more freedom, I want to lighten as much of that load as possible!
• Kids who struggle with sensory issues can get easily triggered by heavy solvents in many traditional cleaning products.  Therefore, I want to have my home have simple cleaning ing. throughout!
• As a sort-of Minimalist a greener home is a simpler home and it's another way we have freedom with less around here.

I've included this video that shows you how I searched the products that were in my home and now I have fewer products that I keep around (love having one bottle for all basic cleaning jobs!) and fewer things that trigger my family/ add to in-home toxicity!

We use Young Living in our home.  If you haven't gotten started with Young Living yet, we have a beautiful community, The Golden Drop Society, which is an online oily place for recipes, ideas, and support!  this is my page on how and why we use YL and love it- a great place to start!

Clean Home with Young Living from Eryn Jones on Vimeo.

Gluten Free Vegan Lasagna

Ahhh lasagna.  The freezer-to-oven version of this dish was a staple my first five years of marriage.  I was one of those with a freezer full of Stouffer's.  Loved popping those in the oven after we both worked all day.  However, not a dish that is very Gf/Df friendly!

Enter the age now where there are gluten-free noodle alternatives everywhere and lovely wonderful alternatives to cheese, even ricotta!  This gf/df/vegan friendly lasagna is super easy to whip up and takes 10 min prep time max!  So not freezer to oven quick, but almost just as fast....and it bakes faster too ;)

This dish is now a weekly staple that we love, love.  If you are a meat lover, you can also make this an omnivore meal very easily by adding 1 lb. high quality, browned, grass-fed beef to the tomato sauce and veggies before layering.

Gluten-Free Vegan Lasagna

gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, vegan-friendly
makes a 9 x 13 deep dish lasagna, serves 6-8 people easily 

Ingredients

• 2 packages gluten-free lasagna noodles, no boil kind
• 2 medium jars favorite organic tomato sauce (I use 1 1/2 25 oz. jars or two 16 oz. cans would also work)
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 1 cup chopped red pepper
• 1 6 oz. package Tree Line Scallion Cashew Cheese
• 1 cup unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk  
• 1 package/ bag shredded vegan mozzarella 

Method

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
• Stir the chopped onion and red pepper with the tomato sauce (feel free to add other veggies....if not for my kids I would add zucchini but they are not squash fans ;).
• Blend together the scallion cheese with the milk and half the vegan mozzarella shreds.
• In a 9 X 13 casserole dish, start the first layer, about a 1 cup of tomato mixture.
• Then layer the no-boil gf lasagna noodles on top of tomato layer.
• Next, spoon the cheese/milk mixture until just covering the noodles.
• Repeat this 3-4 times with the last layers being noodles, cheese mixture, sauce respectively.
• Then top the whole dish with all the remaining shreds of vegan mozz.
• Cover with aluminum foil (important to not over-crisp the noodles!) and bake for 35 minutes.
• Uncover and bake an additional 10 min.
• Remove from oven, cut, and eat!

Vegan Chocolate Caramel Cookie Pie

Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Egg Free Cookie Pie?  Yes please!!!  Also, meet my new best friend:

This stuff is crack.  If you have a Sprouts, a Whole Foods, or a local organic co-op you most likely can find it there.  It's a new product that came out just in time for this pie.  In my opinion it's just as good as sweetened condensed milk.....hello dairy-free caramels, Thai coffee, and more!!

Ok, moving on.  But seriously, dairy-free people rejoice ;)

This pie is a treat, my friends...as in a very rich, special-occasion-type, give-you-the-sugar-sweats-super-yummo treat!  I wouldn't recommend fixing this if you are on a low-sugar trend; however, you may remove the chocolate ganache layer for a less-rich dessert <3

chocolate caramel cookie pie

gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, vegan friendly 
this pie has several easy layers- best stored in refrigerator for up to one week

Ingredients:

• 1 gluten-free frozen pie crust (I use Wholly Wholesome GF crust) 

(first layer)

• 3/4 cup GF AP flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 2 Tbsp sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 cup vegan butter or coconut oil
• 1/2 cup vegan chocolate chips (I use Enjoy Life Dark Chocolate morsels) 

(second layer)

• 1 can Nature's Charm sweetened condensed coconut milk 
• 1 Tbsp melted vegan butter 
• 1/2 cup peanuts or macadamia nuts

(third layer)

• 1/2 cup vegan chocolate chips
• 1/4 cup unsweetened canned coconut milk

(top layer)

• Coco-Whip 
• Extra ganache for decoration or vegan chocolate chips/ shavings

Method:

(first layer)

• Preheat oven to 350 F. 
• Mix all dry ingredients together with fork, then add vanilla, butter.
• Mix until just combined with a fork and a cookie-dough forms, add in chocolate chips.
• Press into bottom of frozen pie crust and bake for 16 minutes.
• While this bakes, mix the second layer:

(second layer)

• Mix melted butter and can of sweetened condensed coconut milk.

  

  bubbly and crusty goodness

• When cookie layer is done baking, remove the pie and add the condensed milk layer over top the cookie layer.

• Sprinkle nuts, making sure they are covered by the caramel-condensed milk layer to prevent over-browning of the nuts.
• Bake at 350 for an additional 25-30 minutes. (it should look like the picture to the left when removed from oven:)
• Allow to set and cool for about 30 minutes while you make the third layer. 

 

 

(third layer)

• Over a double boiler or in a heat-safe bowl over simmering pot of water, heat chocolate and coconut milk until melted and stir to make ganache.
• Pour over set caramel layer and refrigerate until the chocolate is set.
• When chocolate ganache layer is set, top with cool whip and extra ganache and nuts or chocolate chips if desired.
• Refrigerate when not eating.  Can be eaten right away once chocolate is set!  

#yum

 

Freedom with Less

Where was I during July?  We moved...I had some medical stuff and eventually surgery...and we moved!!!  Did I mention we moved...again?  We got the notice mid-June that we *might* have to move, then our landlord told us it was for sure so we set out to find a new home.

This would be our fourth move in 14 months.  I was done!

At the time, we were living int 3700+ square feet.  It was easy to feel like we had space because our stuff did not fill it up.  However, we wanted to move closer into the city, and in the heart of South-Central Austin, that means living in less than 2,000 square feet.  Doable for sure, but not what we were used to.  I was nervous to give up all our space.  However, we had no choice so we decided to take this chance at moving to see if we could somehow swing a house we loved in our most desired, super-cute, funky Austin neighborhood.

We found this amazing, modern, small remodel in that same favorite neighborhood and decided to rent it.  The only thing holding me back was that it was 1630-ish square feet.  Less than HALF the size of our current home (granted our current home was too big, even for the 5 of us crazies).

So I did the math and thought, let's do this!  Let's cut everything by 50%!  Cut our clothes, dishes, furniture, cars....get rid of half of it.  The only thing was that we had about 2 weeks, I ended up in the hospital during that period, and we didn't know if we could make it.  David, though, was so excited at the possibility to have less stuff that he joined me in my enthusiasm for decluttering and did a ton of work!  He is also a Sensory Challenged Parent who apparently was oppressed by all our stuff.

Thankfully I didn't have my surgery until after we arrived and had a week our new home.  While I wouldn't wish surgery on anyone, it was a blessing of sorts to not have to make a lot of decisions about what we kept.  I gave my husband free reign over all the attic clutter (25++ boxes) and he narrowed them down to 5 boxes of keepsakes, mostly pictures.  He did all the goodwill runs, he did all the deciding, and honestly I thought I would hate giving up that control but it was a relief.  My inner pack-rat was screaming, "What if we need something later...What if something gets given away that I can make money off of.....What if something important to me gets lost??!!"

But my true self looooooved it!  And I truly remember only a handful of things in those 5-6 SUV full loads to goodwill.  No regrets.

So we did it.  With the help of friends we went down a ton square feet and possessions, but have gained a great walkable neighborhood, bike-able distance to David's work, a cute home that is our style, and Freedom with Less.

I've talked about how less and decluttering help me with my Sensory Challenges as well as my Kids, but I fully acknowledge that to make this jump to 50% less I had to be pushed.  Minimalism, for me, has been something I've been skirting around for a long time, something that seemed like it would bring me joy and freedom, but scary all the same.

But I jumped off the cliff (...or was pushed ;) and was set Free.  

Here are just a small bit of the many blessings Minimizing has brought me:

• I'm more productive.  I realize that I dreaded running an errand or doing work because I couldn't find anything I needed!  Mail run?...I don't remember where that blasted letter is I'm supposed to run to the mail boxes?!  School shopping?...I can't find that list the teacher sent home OR the school supplies I hoarded away in the Fall.  I mean, I could eventually find those things, but the process of finding them caused me so much stress and frustration.
• I feel soooo much calmer.  Look at all that negative space in that area above.  I still have decor and my style, but so much less of it makes for some soothing negative space.  Does that area get filled with kiddos doing karate kicks?  Sure ;)  But negative space can be calming to the eyes and the mind and I have found that I crave it!
• My house is actually clean.  Do you know how many times I cleaned 3700+ square feet by myself?  Twice I cleaned the whole house at one time.  Yes, that's twice in seven months!  I might have had the energy to clean a room here and there, but four bathrooms and all those bedrooms and all the hardwoods...overwhelms me right now to think about it.  We have lived here just a couple short weeks and I cleaned the whole house by myself yesterday and I wasn't winded afterwards :)  So much time saved cleaning everything!

What about you?  Have you recently minimized and felt like it gave you more mental/physical/emotional/some other kind of freedom?

And guess what???!!!!  I, along with a lifetime friend, have started a Podcast on Minimalism, Living Intentionally, and Freedom with Less!  We're two moms and if this whole minimalism thing interests you and you don't know where to start, give us a listen.  You can find us over at The Practical Minimalists site or in IG @thepracticalminimalists <3

Looking forward to sharing more with you about how we live with less and the joy that has come along with that!
SaveSave